The testimonio AKA the testimony AKA the time in the service that is loved by people all over, is the telling of a precious conversion or experience caused by Jesus.
I have to admit that sometimes what Jesus does gets a little polluted by the way we express it. This causes testimonio time to be a rather distasteful time, even though it is supposed to be a very joyful time where the church can celebrate God’s grace. For those of you that have no clue what I’m talking about, I have provided a list of guidelines you must always remember when people are giving testimonios.
- Hispanics love the microphone so there’s basically no time limit. They will use this time to tell everything they can about their business, their mom’s business, and everyone else’s business. They will talk about their past lifestyle like if it were the latest novela and also use the time to advertise how they are selling Herbalife and Avon after the service. A single testimonio can last anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours. It will be longer than Avatar.
- Cristianos don’t know how to use the microphone. Expect lots of feedback because they will always hold the microphone way too far from their mouth or expect lots of distortion because they will scream into the microphone. It’s bound to happen.
- There’s no limit to how many testimonios you will hear in a service. Expect for a rookie pastor to try to limit the amount, yet watch the line pile up. No one can stop it. If it’s a Sunday night service, expect at least a good 10. If it’s New Years Eve, you’ll be there waiting until the following New Years.
- No testimonio is too small. Whether the person is giving a testimony of God’s miraculous healing, someone getting their papers fixed, or someone finally learning how to make good menudo, no testimonio is too big or too small for any size audience. Please don’t be a testimonio-hater.
- Testimonios will probably exhibit bad theology. Expect people to say stuff like, “I took back what the enemy stole from me,” or hear a deliberate application of a Bible verse completely out of context. They’re not preachers, so please forgive them.
- Please be aware: You may have heard this testimonio before. Cristianos like to repeat their testimonio as much as possible. So much that they’ll even request to give the same testimony each and every service you will have. You’ll ask yourself, “Didn’t God deliver her from a demon last week and the week before that?”
- AND FINALLY……PLEASE….FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, BE AWARE that the testimonio will always most likely be followed by a Canto Especial. If you are member of the band, please be ready to jump in and have to switch keys every 2 measures. If you’re in the congregation and don’t know the song, you better act like you know the song too. The canto especial is like the siamese twin to the testimonio. They are stuck together. We’ll elaborate more on that some other day.
So here you go. These are just a few tips for surviving the testimonio time. I hope you enjoyed them and if you can come up with some more, feel free to comment below.
the ones who grew up in la iglesia, appreciate this kind of satire is really funny porque es muy true!
Y por supuesto, the canto especial will be something that was popular 30 years ago, and all the 20-somethings in the praise band have never heard.
Solution to bad theology in testimonies, and keeping them from taking over the service:
1) All testimonies should be brought to the pastoral staff ahead of time and given fully to them. They can then determine whether to call the person forward to give it in the service.
2) Don’t just hand over the microphone. The microphone stays in the pastor’s hand, and he interviews the person. If they go off into wacky revelations, or start getting long-winded, the pastor just points the mic back to himself and asks the next question, or closes it off: “Gloria a Dios por lo que hizo en la vida de nuestra hermano/a.” Démosle un aplauso.” and then continues the service.
3) If the church has a media ministry, the testimony is recorded, edited for length, and presented as part of a message about a related topic to help make one of the points.
Man, this made me laugh hard! I remember when I went away to college & attended a non-Latino church & I was like, “What? No testimonios?” Crazy! I love how everyone starts their testimonios with a scripture, too!
Yes, Ashley missed not only the testimonios but the congregational singing where an hermana with a loud voice got ahead of everyone singing! Some people didn’t know whom to follow! lol!!! Well, I had to correct that, but it was funny the few times it happened. Ashley missed all the imperfections since she loves the congregation unconditionally! PTL! Maybe you need to write about the hermanas that lead the congregational singing from their pew!
Sometimes, they want to take off with a “cadena de coritos”.