Author: Hermanito

#15. La Montaña is the Cristiano Lambada

Dancing for Cristianos is the Devil. It’s so much the Devil that even the mention of a dance will result in automatic disciplina for 6 months. It is the cardinal sin that is right up there with the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

So what do Cristianos do when we feel the urge to suddenly get jiggy with it? What happens when you’re at a Cristiano quinceñera or wedding and the music demands a little movement? What about during Sunday night service and the worship leader has taken her heels off as is ready to throw it down for Jesus?

Well, fortunately, Cristianos have invented La Montaña. No one truly knows who started it, but this crazy song has seen all types of renditions, everything from salsa to cumbia to duranguense. Everyone can do La Montaña, because all you really have to do is move from one side to the other during the chorus.

It’s perfect for any occasion; youth service, easter, quinceñeras, weddings, even those services when the worship leader doesn’t know what song to sing next. It is essentially the Cristiano version of La Lambada, but don’t tell your pastora I said that!

Even though this is virtually the only time Cristianos can dance in church, there are few more exceptions. We’ll talk about those at a later time. But for now, enjoy La Montaña and a few of my favorite renditions:

My favorite musical version:

 

A version of the dance:

Ok, my real favorite version of the song:

#14. Showing Up Late

I am pretty sure this happened this morning at your church. In fact, I’m 99.9% sure this happens every time you have service.

This is a well-known fact among Cristiano churches everywhere. Cristianos are never on time. In fact, we’re always running really late. 7 PM really means 7:30 and 8 PM really means 9 PM. We are basically stuck in this temporal paradox where everything is really 30-60 minutes late. There is literally no way around it. If you want to start something at a certain time, make sure you advert

ise it 30 minutes earlier than when you expect for it to start.

In reality, there’s only day of the year Cristianos are actually on time. It’s Daylight Savings TIme. That’s the one day a year you can expect Cristianos to actually be on time for something.

I’m sorry, but if you’re a white person, don’t bother showing up early for a Cristiano service. They’ll only make fun of you for it. You’ll probably even be sitting outside in the church parking lot since no one will be there until 10 minutes before the service starts. True story.

If you’re on the worship team, don’t worry about being late, cause you can just hop on stage and no one will ever notice you were late! You’ll be fine! Who’s gonna notice that the entire first song was played without a bass player???

As Cristianos have been late for centuries to their various gatherings and convivios, I just pray that they are not late for the Second Coming of the Lord!! Okay, that’s just my online sermon ramble for the day. Glad to be back. Stay tune for much much more! I won’t be late.

– G.

#13. Being Bilingual

Cristianos hablan Español. Christians speak Spanish.

Tambien hablamos Ingles. We also speak English.

One thing that Cristianos enjoy is being bilingual. As we Cristianos have evolved as a species, we have begun to grow from our heavenly language of Spanish and have added this new English language to our vocabulary. With this in mind, we have begun to use this to our advantage as we access new territories offering bilingual services. We are now unstoppable machines. But with every unstoppable machine, there comes some weaknesses. Here are a few tips on being bilingual:

1. There are people who prefer Solo Español.

Just as Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses and implemented the idea of Solo Scriptura, there will be an Hermano Martin Lopez that will bring his 95 complaints about Solo Español. Even though this hermano has lived in America for 74 years, if you were to start speaking English in a service, this hermano would be the first one to yell out, “En Español!!!”

2. Expect some songs that are translated into Spanish that don’t make sense.

For some reason or another, in an effort to be 100% bilingual, Cristianos will translate modern day worship songs like “Mighty to Save” and “Friend of God” into Spanish songs that just don’t have the same feeling as the English one does. Each church will have their own version of the song and will think their version is superior to all others. By the way, I’m still waiting for someone to translate the line “Sloppy Wet Kiss” into Spanish.

3. About 42% of the people will complain about the interpreter.

The most hated man in the room is the interpreter. This is the guy that everyone thinks they can do better than, but at the same time they are all scared to do his job. Another vicious cycle. If you’re an interpreter and have gotten heckled for your abilities, keep doing what you’re doing. The gospel still needs to be spread in every language.

4. If your a preacher, beware that people will make fun of you for not being bilingual enough.

I don’t claim to speak novela-quality Spanish, but apparently everyone and their mom feels like they can make fun of the preacher because they are not as fluent as the actors from La Gorda y La Flaca. Believe it or not, people have actually come up to me after the service and have literally crushed my dreams of ever becoming an novela actor or even the guy that screams out gooooooolllll at the soccer game because of the ugliest comments! I’m sorry!! 🙁 Speaking two languages at one time requires hard work! My bad!!

5. There will be an all-out war over who can fluently speak both languages the best.

Believe it or not, there are people who bicker over this. Everyone thinks they can be the next Jorge Ramos because of their internationally known Spanish skills. Why do we fight over this? Really? Come on people.

One time after preaching, I had a guy boast about his linguistic abilities. He came up to me and said the following sentence: “Not errybutty haz dee uppertoonity to speake boff lanquaches perfetly li me…”

I’m still trying to figure out what he was saying…

6. There will be some Spanglish involved.

I’m sorry, but there are just some stuff you can’t translate.

7. There’s no such thing as an entire service being exactly 50% English and 50% Spanish.

I’ve traveled from coast to coast and haven’t seen it yet. I’ve seen people be close, but there will always be language that will be slightly more dominant than the other. So don’t kill yourself over every sign, announcement, and song that needs to be bilingual. Appreciate both languages and learn from both. I know someone is going to hate on this one…

So don’t stress if both languages aren’t perfect. Let God give you the words to speak and be a constant learner. Do your best to reach all people of all languages being all things to all people. Don’t let anyone discourage you, don’t be a Spanish-hater, and let the words flow!