The testimonio AKA the testimony AKA the time in the service that is loved by people all over, is the telling of a precious conversion or experience caused by Jesus.

I have to admit that sometimes what Jesus does gets a little polluted by the way we express it. This causes testimonio time to be a rather distasteful time, even though it is supposed to be a very joyful time where the church can celebrate God’s grace. For those of you that have no clue what I’m talking about, I have provided a list of guidelines you must always remember when people are giving testimonios.

1. Hispanics love the microphone so there’s basically no time limit. They will use this time to tell everything they can about their business, their mom’s business, and everyone else’s business. They will talk about their past lifestyle like if it were the latest novela and also use the time to advertise how they are selling Herbalife and Avon after the service. A single testimonio can last anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours. It will be longer than Avatar.
2. Cristianos don’t know how to use the microphone. Expect lots of feedback because they will always hold the microphone way too far from their mouth or expect lots of distortion because they will scream into the microphone. It’s bound to happen.
3. There’s no limit to how many testimonios you will hear in a service. Expect for a rookie pastor to try to limit the amount, yet watch the line pile up. No one can stop it. If it’s a Sunday night service, expect at least a good 10. If it’s New Years Eve, you’ll be there waiting until the following New Years.
4. No testimonio is too small. Whether the person is giving a testimony of God’s miraculous healing, someone getting their papers fixed, or someone finally learning how to make good menudo, no testimonio is too big or too small for any size audience. Please don’t be a testimonio-hater.
5. Testimonios will probably exhibit bad theology. Expect people to say stuff like, “I took back what the enemy stole from me,” or hear a deliberate application of a Bible verse completely out of context. They’re not preachers, so please forgive them.
6. Please be aware: You may have heard this testimonio before. Cristianos like to repeat their testimonio as much as possible. So much that they’ll even request to give the same testimony each and every service you will have. You’ll ask yourself, “Didn’t God deliver her from a demon last week and the week before that?”
7. AND FINALLY……PLEASE….FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, BE AWARE that the testimonio will always most likely be followed by a Canto Especial. If you are member of the band, please be ready to jump in and have to switch keys every 2 measures. If you’re in the congregation and don’t know the song, you better act like you know the song too. The canto especial is like the siamese twin to the testimonio. They are stuck together. We’ll elaborate more on that some other day.

So here you go. These are just a few tips for surviving the testimonio time. I hope you enjoyed them and if you can come up with some more, feel free to comment below.

“Voy a decir esto AUNQUE NO DIGAN AMEN!!!!”

If your pastor says this in his sermon, you know he’s serious.

It’s the reverse-psychology latino equivalent of “Can I get an Amen?” because just by saying the Amen’s have stopped only assures that people will say Amen to that. If a preacher has a low Amen-count in a service where the average Spanish preacher gets 112 Amens per sermon, all the preacher has to do is say this line, “Ya se acabaron los Amenes o que?” The crowd only has two ways to respond to this:

1. The pastor is really serious about something today.

2. Man, I need to help a brother out and give him an Amen.

Saying these lines indicate to the members of the congregation that the preacher is really serious about the topic. He’s so serious about it that he doesn’t care about the Amens and is happy to point out the fact that the Amens have stopped. It’s real talk.

But I have this question today: Since when have preachers preached for the approval of  people? Why are we so worried about getting an Amen that we have to acknowledge the fact that they’ve stopped? I have to admit, I have probably said this in a service just so that I can get a reaction from the people, but it has started to bother me that I’ve heard this over and over again. Amens were never meant for us.

Frankly, I don’t care if I get an Amen, cause it’s not about that. It’s about God’s word being proclaimed whether people respond by laughing, crying, shouting, or standing still. God’s Word won’t return void whether we have a million Amens or none. God will do what he has to do AUNQUE NO DIGAN AMEN!